


Textually Active

by blueoleandar93



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Canon verse, Dick Pics, M/M, PWP, Sexting, Texting, intense sexting like sexting is the plot, there arent actual dick pics in here but m/r send them to each other so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-12 17:04:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4487697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueoleandar93/pseuds/blueoleandar93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgan and Reid's progression from friendship to more through a series of text messages.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Textually Active

**SSA DEREK MORGAN'S CELL PHONE**

 

Thurs, Dec 3, 6:28am

 

> Pretty Boy: Everybody's at the office. Where are you?
> 
> Me: shit shit shit im running late gimmie 20
> 
> Pretty Boy: Twenty minutes?! Are you serious?! We just got called into a case! Everyone is waiting for you to start briefing!
> 
> Me: boy u gonna calm down i didnt hear my phone and im on my way okay chill
> 
> Pretty Boy: Whatever. XC

 

Thurs, Dec 3, 6.42am

 

> Me: did you just bitchface me with ur keyboard boy you dont know me ill mess u up
> 
> Pretty Boy: If I say I'll let you hit me, will that be extra incentive to get you to show up on time?
> 
> Me: getting in the car ttyl
> 
> Pretty Boy: XP
> 
> Me: XD

 

Sat, Dec 5, 7:16pm

 

> Me: whatcha doin
> 
> Pretty Boy: Re-reading some Austen. You?
> 
> Me: about to go mini golfing. wanna join
> 
> Pretty Boy: Seriously?
> 
> Me: yeh
> 
> Pretty Boy: Why?
> 
> Me: were one person short. penelope and savannah are with me and i kind of wanna play teams.
> 
> Pretty Boy: And your first pick is me? You do know my track record with sticks, right?
> 
> Me: shut your trap and get your shoes on my car is literally outside your place
> 
> Pretty Boy: WHOA
> 
> Pretty Boy: CRPA
> 
> Pretty Boy: *Crap. I spilled my coffee.
> 
> Me: rotflmao u suck
> 
> Pretty Boy: You suck more
> 
> Me: hurry up
> 
> Pretty Boy: I didn't have pants on, okay? Give me a sec.
> 
> Me: u were reading austen with no pants on
> 
> Pretty Boy: Don't judge.
> 
>  

Sun, Dec 8, 10:02am

 

>  Me: hows that hangover going
> 
> Pretty Boy: Why didn't you tell me it was Scotch?
> 
> Me: lol ^__^
> 
> Pretty Boy: Leave me alone

 

Tues, Dec 10, 2:33pm

 

> Pretty Boy: Wait, I changed my mind. I want the bun toasted.
> 
> Me: anything else
> 
> Pretty Boy: no mayo
> 
> Me: kk im stopping by Starbucks omw back do you want your usual too
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yes, thank you. I'll give you the money when you get back.
> 
> Me: nah its cool i gotchu
> 
> Pretty Boy: No, please. I don't want to be in your debt.
> 
> Me: youre not in my debt youre my friend
> 
> Pretty Boy: Fine. I'm making you dinner tonight then.
> 
> Me: you dont have to
> 
> Pretty Boy: Too bad. I'm doing it anyway. Be there at 8.
> 
> Me: want me to bring wine
> 
> Pretty Boy: I've got half a bottle of Moscato in my fridge, we're good.
> 
> Me: cool gotcha

 Tues, Dec 10, 7:49pm

 

> Pretty Boy: I burnt the lasagna, so I'm making spaghetti. It'll be ready in 15.

Tues, Dec 10, 8:02pm

 

> Me: thats cool with me man free food is free food. open the door im here.
> 
>  

Wed, Dec 11, 7:41am

 

> Me: <draft> you cant tell anybody about last night okay. nobody can know. seriously. i have a girlfriend you know i have a girlfriend why did you let me
> 
> Me: <draft> fuck fuck shit oh my fucking god fUCKK
> 
> Me: <draft> we need to talk about last night
> 
> Me: <draft> i dont want to talk. i just wish it never happened
> 
> Me: <draft> thats a lie you felt sooo good oh god
> 
> Me: <draft> im so hard right now just thinking about you hOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN WHY DID WE
> 
> Me: <draft> goddamnit
> 
> Me: <draft> fuck
> 
> Me: <draft> why did we fucking do that why did we fucking do that why why fucking why

 Wed, Dec 11, 9:13am

 

> Pretty Boy: Did you send the email for the Cincinnati case revisions from last week, because I got an email saying they didn't get it.
> 
> Me: tell them to check again because I sent it on friday
> 
> Pretty Boy: Okay.
> 
> Me: so about last night
> 
> Pretty Boy: What about it?
> 
> Me: you know what
> 
> Pretty Boy: Extrapolate. 
> 
> Me: *sigh* you know the part where we hugged good bye and then made out against your doorframe
> 
> Pretty Boy: Oh, that.
> 
> Me: yeah OH THAT
> 
> Pretty Boy: I thought we were just going to ignore it. I mean, you have a girlfriend and we're coworkers... it makes sense for us to act like it never happened and move on.
> 
> Me: so you want to move on then
> 
> Pretty Boy: Do you?
> 
> Me: idk
> 
> Pretty Boy: Oh. Well. That's a variable I didn't factor in.
> 
> Me: did you like it
> 
> Pretty Boy: Like what?
> 
> Me: making out with me

 Wed, Dec 11, 10:23am

 

> Me: should i take that as a "no"
> 
> Me: awesome
> 
> Me: i made things worse by prodding didnt i

 Wed, Dec 11, 12:10pm

 

> Me: please dont ignore me
> 
> Pretty Boy: I'm not ignoring you. I'm just not talking to you right now.
> 
> Me: that is the exact definition of ignoring me
> 
> Me: kid
> 
> Me: kidddddd
> 
> Me: come on man please

 Wed, Dec 11, 4:37pm

 

> Me: just answer the one question and i swear ill leave u alone
> 
> Me: did you enjoy frenching me?
> 
> Me: or nah?
> 
>  

Thurs, Dec 12, 1:13am

 

> Me: i told savannah that i kissed you
> 
> Me: shes pretty pissed
> 
> Me: she should be
> 
> Me: ur like really hot
> 
> Me: but in a really lowkey way
> 
> Me: was that weird
> 
> Me: that was weird i shouldnt have called you hot
> 
> Me: forget i said that
> 
>  

Fri, Dec 13, 9:39am

 

> Pretty Boy: Make sure you don't forget to drop off the copies of the crime scene photos to the PD secretary. He hands them off to the Chief when he gets to the station.
> 
> Me: are you serious
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yeah.
> 
> Me: you ignore my text messages for days and then hit me up with work stuff are you kidding me
> 
> Pretty Boy: No. I am not kidding you. Drop off the files.
> 
> Me: fine whatever

 

Sun, Dec 15, 11:56am

 

> Me: are we fighting
> 
> Pretty Boy: No.
> 
> Me: then why are you ignoring me at work
> 
> Pretty Boy: Because I'm awkward. Pardon me if I don't know what to say to a man who I helped cheat on his girlfriend.
> 
> Me: we cheated but we didnt cheat cheat
> 
> Me: like we didnt fuck each other so its not as bad
> 
> Me: ya feel me
> 
> Pretty Boy: You stuffed your hand down my pants. I'm pretty sure groping another man's rear while shoving your tongue down his throat is considered cheating. 
> 
> Me: ngl you saying it like that was kind of hot
> 
> Pretty Boy: "NGL"?
> 
> Me: not gonna lie
> 
> Pretty Boy: Oh.
> 
> Pretty Boy: But that's beside the point. We hugged and then it got intense and I shouldn't have kissed you back. I knew you had a girlfriend, and I still kissed you back. I'm certifiably an awful person, so there.
> 
> Me: yeah but i kissed you i started it
> 
> Pretty Boy: But I held on while we hugged. I looked at you. I LOOKED at you. I prompted it. I know I did. You wouldn't have kissed me if I didn't give you the go-ahead.
> 
> Me: so doesn't matter i shouldnt have kissed you
> 
> Pretty Boy: And I shouldn't have let you
> 
> Me: so where does that leave us
> 
> Pretty Boy: I don't know. Somewhere weird. Somewhere I'm not sure I want to be right now.
> 
> Pretty Boy: I'm kind of scared. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: Honestly, I've never kissed someone like that before.
> 
> Me: whOA WHOA ARE YOU A VIRGIN
> 
> Pretty Boy: No.
> 
> Me: oh okay good
> 
> Pretty Boy: Why is that good?
> 
> Me: i would feel hella bad if the first person to grope your ass was me
> 
> Pretty Boy: Oh, no. That honor goes to Professor McLeary.
> 
> Me: hOLY SHIT
> 
> Me: your professor grabbed your ass? that is so not okay
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yes, but you should have seen him. He was gorgeous. I had the biggest crush on him.
> 
> Me: did you sleep with him
> 
> Pretty Boy: I don't see how that's any of your business.
> 
> Me: you did nOT LOOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO YOUR COLLEGE PROFESSOR OMFG
> 
> Pretty Boy: Say anything to anyone and I will kill you.
> 
> Me: tell me when, where, and what position and I won't even mention it again.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Fine.
> 
> Pretty Boy: After the midterm. In his office. We did it on his chair and then on the desk and then on the carpet. Are you happy?
> 
> Me: damn. thats one hell of a first time.
> 
> Me: mine was in my eleventh grade girlfriend's treehouse and i got so many splinters. i was picking them out for days. 
> 
> Me: how did you even get three different positions dude damn
> 
> Pretty Boy: Because he kept making me... climax. And I... climaxed three times. Can we please stop talking about this? I'm not really comfortable talking about sex.
> 
> Me: why. i talk about sex all the time.
> 
> Pretty Boy: I know, but, I'm not used to talking about sex.
> 
> Me: why
> 
> Pretty Boy: Because no one ever asks me about it.
> 
> Me: oh. well...
> 
> Me: i will if you want.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Okay.
> 
> Me: are you comfortable talking about it if I lead?
> 
> Pretty Boy: I'm not sure. Depends on the questions, I guess.
> 
> Me: okay uh....  well, ive heard it helps if someone else starts off with something embarrassing, so... I had sex with my girlfriend two nights ago. it was kind of boring and we had the TV on. she laughed at conan before faking an orgasm to see the rest of the episode.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Ouch.
> 
> Me: when was the last time you had sex?
> 
> Pretty Boy: A couple of months ago.
> 
> Me: wow, really? who/how was it?
> 
> Pretty Boy: I met a woman named Amy at the bookstore down 45th street. We talked in the unofficial biography section about the inaccuracies in the most recent of Abraham Lincoln's bios. We went to get coffee afterward, and I walked her home.
> 
> Me: and?
> 
> Pretty Boy: When we got there, she offered me another cup of coffee. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: I was looking through her library and when she came back, she was naked.
> 
> Me: whoa
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yeah.
> 
> Me: lucky bastard.
> 
> Pretty Boy: You're telling me.
> 
> Me: what happened after
> 
> Pretty Boy: I dropped a book and asked where her clothes were. She said she took them off because she wanted me to have sex with her, so I had sex with her.
> 
> Me: was it good
> 
> Pretty Boy: Nothing incredible. Average.
> 
> Me: did you get her number?
> 
> Pretty Boy: Oh, heck no. I saw a confederate flag in her living room while my tongue was up her... you know. So, I pretended I got a text message.
> 
> Me: holy shit, you licked a racist's pussy. i am laughing so fucking hard at you rn
> 
> Pretty Boy: The confederate flag doesn't always equate to racism
> 
> Me: oh, so she'd let ME lick her pussy too?
> 
> Pretty Boy: ......probably not.
> 
> Me: thats what i thought
> 
> Me: wow. both of our sex lives are sad. good to know.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Well, she was very beautiful for a racist.
> 
> Me: how were the tits?
> 
> Pretty Boy: Nice.
> 
> Me: hair?
> 
> Pretty Boy: The hair on her head?
> 
> Me: haha yes, kiddo, the hair on her head
> 
> Pretty Boy: Mid-length. Red. Gorgeous.
> 
> Me: and how did you treat the pussy
> 
> Pretty Boy: With the utmost of respect.
> 
> Me: did you make her cum?
> 
> Pretty Boy: Several times.
> 
> Me: good man.
> 
> Me: a woman should always cum at least twice unless she tells you once is enough. its common courtesy.
> 
> Pretty Boy: It is?
> 
> Me: yes.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Oh. I just really... well...
> 
> Me: go on.
> 
> Pretty Boy: I like making people cum.
> 
> Me: that has to be the hottest thing i've ever heard you say
> 
> Pretty Boy: Really?
> 
> Me: oh yeah
> 
> Me: youre usually such a textbook good boy
> 
> Me: its nice to hear you have a sex drive
> 
> Pretty Boy: Oh, I do. A big one. It's kind of bad, really. Once I really engage with a partner, I can be quite... passionate. Even without a partner, it's not hard to get me in the mood.
> 
> Me: in the mood?
> 
> Pretty Boy: Well, horny is the right word. But, I was trying to make it sound respectable.
> 
> Me: you? horny? whaaaaaat no. never
> 
> Me: u just talked about having sex with a hot racist woman in the most clinical way. it was like reading a travel magazine
> 
> Pretty Boy: I get horny, okay, I do.
> 
> Me: when?
> 
> Pretty Boy: All the time. Not at work, usually, because of all the blood and gore and murder, but when I'm not at work staring at crime scene photos, things are different.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Like, this one time at a local chess tournament, I met this guy who was neck and neck with me on the board. Our game lasted way past the allotted time, so we were both named champions, but after everybody left, we kept playing. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: The game went on for hours and the longer we played, the more turned on I was getting.
> 
> Me: go on, im loving this story
> 
> Pretty Boy: I'm embarrassed.
> 
> Me: come on, kid.
> 
> Me: its fine. sexuality is normal. nothing weird about it.
> 
> Me: you know what, i'll tell you a story if you finish this one
> 
> Pretty Boy: You will?
> 
> Me: yeh
> 
> Pretty Boy: Fine. 
> 
> Me: dont skimp out on me now. im gonna need details here
> 
> Pretty Boy: He was handsome. Strong jawline, beautiful brown eyes, this stubble with a hint of grey in it. And he had this accent... Peruvian.
> 
> Me: whoa he sounds gorgeous
> 
> Pretty Boy: He was straight off of the cover of a romance novel, Derek, I shit you not.
> 
> Pretty Boy: And his brain?
> 
> Pretty Boy: He was always one step ahead of me. Like he had opened up my mind and read it all before he even met me.
> 
> Me: damn. a peruvian pretty boy. sounds like heaven to me
> 
> Pretty Boy: Shut up.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Anyway, I let him win, because it was getting dark out. When he captured my queen, he picked it up, rested it against his lower lip and cut me the sexiest glance I've ever see and said "looks like I made you my bitch tonight" and winked at me before cocking his head toward the bushes behind him
> 
> Me: fuck
> 
> Pretty Boy: And there I was, in the middle of a public park, screwing the crap a man I just played a five-hour game of chess with.
> 
> Me: so you guys fucked in public
> 
> Pretty Boy: Well, he had lube and condoms on him, so I rode him in the bushes like an animal. It was so wrong. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: Can't believe I fucking did that.
> 
> Me: not gonna lie, that's insane. awesome story though
> 
> Pretty Boy: I never told anyone that, so.... yeah
> 
> Pretty Boy: I was promised a sexual story from you. I'd like to cash that in now.
> 
> Me: fine
> 
> Me: one night in college, i was smoking weed with two of my teammates. joey, a runningback. marcus, a second string tight end.
> 
> Pretty Boy: I'm going to pretend I know what those are.
> 
> Me: football, dummy.
> 
> Me: anyway we were in joey's appartment and his girlfriend calls him to go run outside for a minute
> 
> Me: me and marc are waiting for him, slowly getting higher and higher while watching the Bears game
> 
> Me: joey's taking forever and we look outside and his van's rockin
> 
> Me: he ditched us to bang his girl.
> 
> Me: so, me and marc decide to smoke all his weed
> 
> Pretty Boy: Understandable.
> 
> Me: right. 
> 
> Me: marc also happened to be the hottest guy on the team too. tall, broad, sexy smile, faded fro. i jacked off to him in the shower cONSTANTLY.
> 
> Pretty Boy: So, you had a crush on him
> 
> Me: no. i had a fondness. for his body.
> 
> Me: so anyway marc and i are shotgunning (this thing where you blow smoke into someone elses mouth, kinda like kissing but not really) and marc up and sticks his tongue in my mouth
> 
> Me: i never kissed another dude before and i was kind of closeted at the time, so i freaked out on him
> 
> Me: admiring a dude and actually having sex with him are two totally different things, and i couldn't handle the latter
> 
> Me: i give him the whole "im straight, im not like that, what the fuck are you doing, you sick perv" speech
> 
> Me: and this fucker pushes me on the couch and kisses me again
> 
> Me: then, my dumb ass starts having a panic attack because im scared hes going to hurt me
> 
> Me: i mean no dude has ever put the moves on me since... you know... and i was straight up hyperventilating
> 
> Me: but he doesnt notice until i start crying
> 
> Pretty Boy: Oh, my God. Derek. This isn't sexy. Were you okay?
> 
> Me: oh, it gets sexy, just wait
> 
> Pretty Boy: .........okay?
> 
> Me: marc doesnt know what to do, so hes dragging me up and taking me to joey's van to see if he or his girlfriend can figure out whats wrong with me because he thinks i smoked too much weed. he had no idea it was him making me freak out.
> 
> Me: long story short, we walk in on joey fucking his girl and somehow we end up having an orgy in the backseat of joey's van
> 
> Me: so, i'm like dick deep in joey's girl, marc is kissing my neck while joey's girl is sucking him off, and joey is watching us and beating off to it.
> 
> Me: we all wake up a couple hours later covered in cum
> 
> Me: turns out, joey filmed some of it and gave us all a copy and i still have it
> 
> Pretty Boy: That story was a fucking roller coaster.
> 
> Me: right?!
> 
> Pretty Boy: So, you have a video of college-age you having a ménage à quatre just lying around your apartment somewhere?
> 
> Me: yep
> 
> Pretty Boy: Can I borrow it?
> 
> Me: NO.
> 
> Pretty Boy: lol such a waste of a hot tape. You were a handsome young guy.
> 
> Me: what? im not handsome anymore
> 
> Pretty Boy: No. The opposite. 
> 
> Me: ooh the opposite? what does that mean
> 
> Pretty Boy: You're going to make me say it?
> 
> Me: yeah.
> 
> Pretty Boy: You KNOW you're one of the most attractive men to ever exist. I don't need to verify you.
> 
> Me: but its nice to hear you say it, pretty boy.
> 
> Me: i have more sex tapes, you know
> 
> Pretty Boy: What.
> 
> Pretty Boy: W
> 
> Pretty Boy: H
> 
> Pretty Boy: A
> 
> Pretty Boy: T
> 
> Pretty Boy: How many.
> 
> Me: a little under twelve.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Gimmie.
> 
> Me: DR SPENCER REID YOU CANNOT HAVE, BORROW, OR VIEW ANY OF MY SEX TAPES
> 
> Pretty Boy: Please?
> 
> Me: NO
> 
> Pretty Boy: Come on, why not?
> 
> Me: i dont let anyone im not sleeping with see them
> 
> Pretty Boy: Why?
> 
> Pretty Boy: *gasp* Do you have a small wiener?
> 
> Me: I DO NOT HAVE A SMALL WIENER
> 
> Pretty Boy: Then, tell me how big it is
> 
> Me: i cant it's inappropriate
> 
> Pretty Boy: So, you can tell me that your girlfriend fakes orgasms when Conan is on, but you can't tell me how big your penis is?
> 
> Me: basically yeah
> 
> Pretty Boy: Mine's a little over six inches, it curves a little to the left, and it's circumcised.
> 
> Me: wHY DID YOU FUCKING TELL ME THAT !!NOW I KNOW HOW BIG YOUR PENIS IS
> 
> Pretty Boy: Didn't you just say I had to be more open about sex? Now, there are rules all of a sudden?
> 
> Pretty Boy: And, please. Dick size is basic. All guys share it. I know what Ethan's dick looks like and we're friends.
> 
> Me: WHO THE HELL IS ETHAN
> 
> Pretty Boy: Old buddy of mine. He lives down by Will's family.
> 
> Me: DOESNT MATTER IM NOT TELLING YOU HOW BIG MY DICK IS
> 
> Pretty Boy: Fine. Can you just tell me if it's bigger or smaller than mine?
> 
> Me: .... i cant you'll say something
> 
> Pretty Boy: I WONT I SWEAR
> 
> Me: youre going to tell the whole office!! penny almost did
> 
> Pretty Boy: Penelope knows how big your cock is? How the hell did that happen?
> 
> Me: we're very close we've seen each other naked way too many times. 
> 
> Me: but its not about that
> 
> Pretty Boy: Then, what;'s it about?
> 
> Me: fine. i'll tell you the issue, but i won't tell you the size
> 
> Pretty Boy: So secretive. Gosh.
> 
> Me: it's BIG. like really big. i mean HUGE.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Send me a picture.
> 
> Me: whAT IS WRONG WITH YOU 
> 
> Pretty Boy: A lot of things. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: So, can I see it?
> 
> Me: no
> 
> Pretty Boy: I'll send you one.
> 
> Me: please dont send me a dick pic
> 
> Pretty Boy: I'm sending you one
> 
> Me: SPENCER REID I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU CANT SEND ME DICK PICS
> 
> Pretty Boy: It's not a "dick pic" dick pic. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: We're friends, so it's different.
> 
> Me: no, spencer you cant send me a di
> 
> Pretty Boy: [image]
> 
> Me: ........wow
> 
> Me: ....that's the most beautiful penis ive ever seen in my entire life
> 
> Pretty Boy: Awwh, thank you. :)
> 
> Pretty Boy: Your turn.
> 
> Me: i am only doing this because you sent me a full on picture of your dick and now the leverage we have on each other is uneven
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yes!
> 
> Pretty Boy: Is this what male bonding feels like?
> 
> Me: no
> 
> Pretty Boy: Okay, I'm ready.
> 
> Me: [image]
> 
> Pretty Boy: ............
> 
> Pretty Boy: .......
> 
> Pretty Boy: ...............
> 
> Me: are you okay?
> 
> Pretty Boy: No.
> 
> Me: its too big isn't it? weird?
> 
> Pretty Boy: I have to go.
> 
> Pretty Boy: I left my iron on.
> 
> Pretty Boy: And my stove and my oven and every electric appliance in the house
> 
> Pretty Boy: It's going to take a while to fix so I'll just say good night now. Goodnight
> 
> Me: did that just turn you on
> 
> Me: oh my god it turned you on
> 
> Me: are you wacking off right now
> 
> Me: holy shit lol
> 
> Me: im strangely proud of that
> 
> Me: goodnight then, you chicken choker
> 
>  

Mon, Dec 16, 1:15pm

 

 

> Pretty Boy: Penelope is having a movie night at her place after work. Do you want in?
> 
> Me: me and savannah have plans already
> 
> Pretty Boy: Okay, cool.

Mon, Dec 16, 10:47pm

 

 

> Pretty Boy: We're in the middle of Mean Girls. This movie is actually pretty funny.

Mon, Dec 16, 11:06pm

 

 

> Me: i cant text right now
> 
> Spencer: Why not?
> 
> Me: because im at dinner with savannah
> 
> Reid: Oh, sorry.
> 
> Me: its cool. shes in the bathroom.
> 
> Agent Reid: How's the dinner going?
> 
> Me: tense. things have been a little weird between us since I told her.
> 
> Agent Dr. Reid: Tense how?
> 
> Me: tense like she doesnt trust me anymore
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: Whoa, that sucks. Good thing we're just friends and don't like each other or anything.
> 
> Me: gotta go shes coming back ttyl
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: Bye.

 

Tue, Dec 17, 12:24am

 

 

> Me: are you home
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: Just got in the door. Why?
> 
> Me: im coming over.
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: What's wrong? Is everything okay?
> 
> Me: no
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: I'm worried. Should you be driving right now? Do you want me to come to you?
> 
> Me: youre right. i cant drive like this. come over. 
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: I'm getting in the car right now.
> 
>  

Tue, Dec 18, 7:12am

 

 

> Me: you left your tie in the bathroom. should i give it to you at work
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: No. It'll raise suspicion. 
> 
> Me: but we didn't do anything
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: I know, but I don't want people thinking we did.
> 
> Me: why
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: Because we work with a group of highly trained behavioral specialists. The tie will just be conformation.
> 
> Me: conformation of what
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: That I slept over.
> 
> Me: you did sleep over.
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: You know what I mean.
> 
> Me: so why does it matter if people think were having sex

Tue, Dec 18, 9:34am

 

 

> Me: Spencerrrrrrrr
> 
> Me: Spencer
> 
> Me: hey dude
> 
> Me: babe
> 
> Me: kiddoooo
> 
> Dr. Spencer Reid: WHAT
> 
> Me: why does it matter if people think were having sex
> 
> Reid: I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING WITH HOTCH AND HE SAW THAT TEXT YOU ARE DEAD
> 
> Me: oh shit

Tue, Dec 18, 9:44am

 

 

> Pretty Boy: The phone was on the desk on silent because you were texting too much and he saw the sex text and gave me this really long lecture on having sex with coworkers and how it's a bad idea I hate you
> 
> Me: did you tell him were not screwing
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yes. Wasn't enough.
> 
> Me: damn son
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yeah, I know.
> 
> Me: sorry
> 
> Pretty Boy: It's fine.
> 
> Me: you gonna answer the question
> 
> Pretty Boy: ???
> 
> Me: why does it matter if people think were having sex
> 
> Pretty Boy: Because we're friends. Friends don't have sex.
> 
> Me: yeah they do. savannah and i had friendly sex for months before we dated
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yeah, and look at how that worked out. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: You two broke up.
> 
> Pretty Boy: I don't want to be mad at you.
> 
> Pretty Boy: I definitely don't want you to be mad at me.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Or sad. I don't want to make you sad like you were sad yesterday.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Gosh, you were so sad. I can't imagine being the one to make you feel like that.
> 
> Pretty Boy: We can't sleep together.
> 
> Pretty Boy: We can't.
> 
> Me: Kid.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yeah?
> 
> Me: i love you, you know that?
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yes, i know.
> 
> Me: i didnt love her
> 
> Pretty Boy: You didn't?
> 
> Me: no. i thought i could. but the feelings never came.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Wow. But you love me, how does that work out?
> 
> Me: i didn't think i had a shot
> 
> Pretty Boy: Well, you do.
> 
> Me: i do?
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yes.
> 
> Pretty Boy: I mean, I love you too. 
> 
> Pretty Boy: I've loved you for longer than I can remember. You're my best friend.
> 
> Me: no, pretty boy, i mean i LOVE you. like hearts and shit.
> 
> Pretty Boy: And I LOVE you too. Hearts and shit.
> 
> Me: oh.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Yeah.
> 
> Me: well
> 
> Pretty Boy: Did I make things awkward?
> 
> Me: No!
> 
> Me: kind of
> 
> Me: but, good awkward.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Well, I'm falling asleep a bit. Mind if I text you later?
> 
> Me: no please. go to sleep. see you.
> 
> Pretty Boy: bye
> 
> Me: love you
> 
> Pretty Boy: Love you too.
> 
>  

 

Wed, Dec 20, 3:27am

 

> Pretty Boy: When you said you loved me, what did that mean?

 Wed, Dec 20, 5:31am

 

> Me: it means that i'll do anything for you. anything. you're my ride or die man. i have your back, you have mine. were friends, yeah, but i also care about you. i want to make you happy. I want to make you smile. just the thought of you hurt or sad... i cant deal with that. i cant let it happen. i wont let it happen. i love you.
> 
> Pretty Boy: Really?
> 
> Me: yeh
> 
> Pretty Boy: Ditto.
> 
> Me: lol 

 

Tues, Dec 21, 7:21am

 

> Me: i think theres something in my house
> 
> Me: if i die please erase my computer history
> 
> Me: wait no it was just my dog
> 
> Me: sorry about that
> 
> Me: so now that im textin you whats up hows it going
> 
> My Love: I'm okay. Halfway through brushing my teeth.
> 
> My Love: Nice excuse to start texting me, though. Good job thinking outside of the box on that one.
> 
> Me: well, i am fbi
> 
> My Love: Me too. Whoa. What a coincidence.
> 
> Me: lol xp
> 
> My Love: Well, since you're not getting chased down in your house by a monster and I'm no longer contractually obliged to steal your electronics, I guess I'll see you at work
> 
> Me: wait wait
> 
> My Love: What?
> 
> Me: about what we said this morning
> 
> My Love: What about it?
> 
> Me: i kinda never said that before
> 
> My Love: Me neither.
> 
> Me: for realz
> 
> My Love: For realz.
> 
> Me: damn. well in that case should we like go on a date or something
> 
> My Love: No, thank you.
> 
> Me: ok cool c u at work
> 
> My Love: Talk to you later.

 Tues, Dec 22, 11:38am

>  
> 
> My Love: Are you on your way to the jet?
> 
> Me: yeh
> 
> My Love: Okay, good. I had an idea about the profile, but I'm the only one on the plane and it's super awkward because I want to tell people but no one's here yet/
> 
> Me: call hotch
> 
> My Love: Well, it's not THAT good an idea. I want to bounce it off of someone first just to make sure I'm not crazy.
> 
> Me: you are crazy
> 
> My Love: XP
> 
> Me: me and jj are almost there she drives so damn slow omfg
> 
> My Love: Can I tell you my hypothesis now?
> 
> Me: yeh sure
> 
> My Love: So, you know how the unsub has been kidnapping at only one time of night?
> 
> Me: yeh
> 
> My Love: Maybe he's doing that because that's the only time he's available. Maybe he has one of those graveyard shifts that ends at 4am and since he's always on his way home at the same time, his neighbors don't think anything's up with him getting back home ta the same time. 
> 
> My Love: I mean, the unsub is doing this in a small town suburb. Everybody talks there. Suspicious activity would have been reported almost immediately. Especially people coming in and out of the house at 4/5 in the morning.
> 
> My Love: I don't know for sure, it's just speculation. Do you think I'm on to something, or no?
> 
> Me: definitely. im calling hotch
> 
> Me: and taking all of the credit for it
> 
> My Love:  HEY
> 
> My Love: HEY HEY
> 
> My Love: THATS MY IDEA YOU CANT JUST
> 
> My Love: I take back what I said this morning. You suck.
> 
> Me: love you too

 

Thurs, Dec 24, 6:48am

 

> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Just got on the plane.
> 
> Me: good stay safe and call me when you land
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Okay. You do the same, please.
> 
> Me: ard got you

Thurs, Dec 24, 9:01am

 

> Me: just got on the plane to chicago. i know you wont get this b/c youre on the plane but just wanted to make sure u knew

Thurs, Dec 24, 10:35am

>  
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Arrived in Vegas. Got your text. Call me when you land.

Thurs, Dec 24, 12:16pm

 

> Me: in chicago im gonna call u
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: :)

 

Fri, Dec 25, 9:38am

 

> Me: merry christmas dummy
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Merry Christmas, Ugly.
> 
> Me: u with ur mom
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Just got into Bennington's. I'm taking her to brunch and then we're going to church.
> 
> Me: ur going to church?! omg lol
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Yeah, I know. She wanted to do it, so I guess that's what we're doing.
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: What are you and your family up to?
> 
> Me: well i hauled all of these gifts downstairs last night because apparently im santa
> 
> Me: even though im the youngest
> 
> Me: fuck knows how that happened
> 
> Me: in about five minutes im going to run into all of their rooms and throw those little fake gunshot kernels on the floor and scare the shit out of them
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: lol! What a wonderful brother. Those lucky girls.
> 
> Me: u should see what i have planned for my mom
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Dear Lord.
> 
> Me: damn right
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: Okay, I'm at my mom's place. I gotta go.
> 
> Me: ttyl
> 
> Me: for real though, merry christmas. have a good holiday. eat lots of food. come back happier.
> 
> Ridiculously Handsome Coworker: I will. You too.

Fri, Dec 25, 2:52pm

 

> Me: where are my christmas dick pics
> 
> Pretty Boy: Shut up.

Fri, Dec 25, 7:26pm

 

> Me: Dr. Spencer Reid, I just wanted to let you know that I'm super, super in love with you. You're so pretty. I want to stare at you all day long. I keep a picture of you under my pillow. I cry whenever someone says your name. I'm in love with you. Marry me. Be my special little prince. Have my babies. We'll rule our cuddly little love kingdom together forever.

Fri, Dec 25, 8:02pm

 

> Lover Boy: So, was that Desiree, Sarah, or both of them?
> 
> Me: what are you talking about
> 
> Lover Boy: Scroll up.
> 
> Me: OMFG I AM GONNA KILL THEM DEAD I SWEAR TO GOD I AM ABOUT TO BECOME OUR NEXT UNSUB IN NOT MESSING AROUND THIS TIME THEY ARE DEAD MEAT THEY ARE SO DEAD
> 
> Me: THEY LOCKED THEMSELVES IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE STUFFING AND CHARDONNAY
> 
> Me: THEY COULD BE IN THERE FOR DAYS
> 
> Me: LITERALLY
> 
> Me: NOW THEYRE LAUGHING AT ME 
> 
> Me: THOSE  HARPIES!! I AM EMAILING ALL OF THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND BOSSES 
> 
> Lover Boy: lol it was funny. I showed it to my mom. She laughed. 
> 
> Me: i hate them
> 
> Me: they even changed your name in my contacts list
> 
> Lover Boy: What is it?
> 
> Me: you are now "Lover Boy"
> 
> Lover Boy: Oh, my God. -///- 
> 
> Me: is that your attempt at a blushy emoji
> 
> Lover Boy: Yes.
> 
> Me: dont blush for them!! they are the enemy
> 
> Lover Boy: Yeah, but you didn't change it back, did you?
> 
> Me: ..............not yet
> 
> Lover Boy: -///-
> 
> Me: u should have seen what it was before
> 
> Lover Boy: What was it?
> 
> Me: "Ridiculously Handsome Coworker"
> 
> Lover Boy: -/////////////-
> 
> Me: im kind of proud of that one.
> 
> Lover Boy: There's been others?!
> 
> Me: yeh
> 
> Lover Boy: Tell me them! XD
> 
> Me: nah you've gotta earn the rest
> 
> Lover Boy :(
> 
> Me: no dont frowny face
> 
> Lover Boy: :( :( :( :(
> 
> Me: goddamnit fine
> 
> Lover Boy: :)
> 
> Me: its floated between "Reid" and "Pretty Boy" for a while, but that's not news to you
> 
> Lover Boy: I know for a fact thats not all of them
> 
> Me: now im all blushy face
> 
> Me: crap sarah and dez just got out the bathroom
> 
> Me: THEYRE COMING THIS WAY
> 
> Me: THEYREE TAKING THE FONE
> 
> Me: DONT LISTEN TO A WORD THEY SYAYYYY
> 
> Me: Dr. Spencer Reid, you are the love of my life. You are a pretty pretty prince, and I will be your princess! Please love me! I'll cry if you don't! I wuv you! You're the prettiest pretty boy ever and
> 
> Me: GOT IT I GOT THE PHONE IGNORE THAT MESSAGEE
> 
> Me: Marry me, I love you
> 
> Me: I WILL KILL THEM DEAD
> 
> Me: CURRENTLY KILLING THEM
> 
> Me: YOU KNOW WHAT SCREW IT IM TELLING MOM
> 
> Lover Boy: lol I kind of wish I was there right now

Fri, Dec 25, 10:24pm

>  
> 
> Me: mom says you're invited to easter dinner

Fri, Dec 25, 11:46pm

>  
> 
> Lover Boy: Sounds like fun. Can't wait.
> 
> Me: you on your way to the plane>
> 
> Lover Boy: Yeah. I'm in the taxi now.
> 
> Me: same
> 
> Lover Boy: Really? I thought you were flying out tomorrow.
> 
> Me: i made up a fake case so that i could get out of there. 
> 
> Me: desiree found a way to take screenshots of my messages to you and emailed them to herself
> 
> Me: they're reading them aloud around the tree and my mom is doing literally nothing to stop them
> 
> Me: my whole family knows now
> 
> Me: im so embarrassed i could die
> 
> Lover Boy: They didn't get to the dick pics though, did they?
> 
> Me: i have no way of knowing
> 
> Lover Boy: Eek. I really hope your mom and sisters don't see my penis.
> 
> Me: DUDE I HOPE THEY DONT SEE MINE
> 
> Lover Boy: What are you going to do? Steal the emails?
> 
> Me: not anymore. it's impossible now. im taking a red eye and getting back to DC as soon as God will allow.
> 
> Lover Boy: Wait, which red eye?
> 
> Me: the one at 3:15am
> 
> Lover Boy: I have a layover in Chicago at 2am. Wanna meet and get some food? I only ate at brunch and I'm famished.
> 
> Me: I'll stop by some place and pick something up so that it's ready for you when you get here.
> 
> Lover Boy: Thanks, love you.
> 
> Lover Boy: I mean.
> 
> Lover Boy: .... I mean...
> 
> Me: its okay love you too

 

Sat, Dec 26, 6:58am

 

> Lover Boy: Good night.
> 
> Me: good night. love you.
> 
> Lover Boy: Love you too.

Sat, Dec 26, 4:03pm

>  
> 
> Lover Boy: It's so weird waking up at 4
> 
> Me: u just woke me up. ur a turnip
> 
> Lover Boy: lol Good morning.
> 
> Me: no
> 
> Lover Boy: XP

Sat, Dec 26, 7:32pm

 

> Me: penny just texted me. she and jj are getting drinks at the Tavern. u in?
> 
> Lover Boy: Sure. Just let me take a shower first.
> 
> Me: *eyebrow wiggle*
> 
> Lover Boy: Grow up.
> 
> Me: ooh pretty boy in the shower. thanks for the spank bank material
> 
> Lover Boy: Literally shut up forever.
> 
> Me: bowchickawowwow
> 
> Lover Boy: I'm saving your number in here under "Annoying Asshole"
> 
> Me: good. youre saved in my phone as "Turnip Looking Motherfucker"
> 
> Lover Boy: No, I'm not.
> 
> Me: oh yeah?
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Yeah.

 

Sun, Dec 27, 10:22am

 

 

> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I miss you.
> 
> Me: i miss u too
> 
> Me: what r u up to
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Watching yesterday's Dr. Who
> 
> Me: how is it
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Good. Kind of wish you were here.
> 
> Me: damn im in brooklyn
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Why?
> 
> Me: my guy jeremy called me about a complex in the upper east side and we might contract it together. im a half hour from it. we're gonna check it out.
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Whoa, that's a big deal. Are you going to do it?
> 
> Me: idk if i can handle an entire complex. its a full time gig and its not like i dont already have a full time job
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: And you'd be in New York all the time :(
> 
> Me: im not leaving quantico, kid. i cant. there's too much there for me
> 
> Me: ive got the job
> 
> Me: my houses
> 
> Me: my dog
> 
> Me: my friends
> 
> Me: my you
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Your me?
> 
> Me: yeah my you
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: .......what does that mean
> 
> Me: that youre my thing
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Your thing?
> 
> Me: youre a guy that i like.
> 
> Me: and a guy that i want to hang out with
> 
> Me: and make laugh 
> 
> Me: and make smile
> 
> Me: and kiss on the lips and stuff
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: You want to kiss me on the lips?
> 
> Me: yeh like a lot
> 
> Me: youve got the prettiest mouth man i swear
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: -///-
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: And stuff. You said "stuff" what does that mean?
> 
> Me: come on man you know what that means
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Yeah, but I want to be sure. I don't want to assume
> 
> Me: i want to make love to you on a bear skin rug next to a roaring fireplace under the starlight
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: lolol that's so lame
> 
> Me: ha i know lol
> 
> Me: for real though if youre up for it, i would be game to give you a tour of the Morgan master suite
> 
> Me: the bed frames are quite detailed though, so you're going to have to spend a solid hour facing them to notice the intricacies of the structure. 
> 
> Me: protip - you can see it better on your hands and knees.
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: hahaha I'm not a bottom
> 
> Me: youre not?
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: No. Not at all.
> 
> Me: what does that mean
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: ???
> 
> Me: you said "no. not at all."
> 
> Me: are you like really dommy or something
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: No, I just really like giving pleasure.
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I'm also very into sex positivity and equality in the bedroom, so I like to give just as much (if not more) than I get. 
> 
> Me: what, like a public service?
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Not really.
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Wait.
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Is this sexting?
> 
> Me: not really no
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: How will I know if I'm sexting?
> 
> Me: oh, you'll know. dont worry.
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: How?
> 
> Me: you'll have a boner in one hand and your phone in the other. are you like that now
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Like with the dick pics last week?
> 
> Me: not exactly, i mean constantly. like what are you doing now? are you touching yourself?
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: No. I'm eating Fiddle Faddle in a rubber ducky pajama set. My fingers are covered in caramel and I'm not aroused in the slightest.
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Then again, Peter Capaldi is on my screen, so it just might happen...
> 
> Me: eww not capaldi
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I like his swagger.
> 
> Me: turning off my phone now
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: haha the great Derek Morgan cant handle the sexiness of Doctor 12.
> 
> Me: good bye
> 
>  

Mon, Dec 28, 7:16am

 

> Me: ur tie is still in my house wtf
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Bring it to the office and slide it to me real sneaky like.
> 
> Me: that has to be the most suspicious thing ive ever heard
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Well, unless you invite me over, that's the only other way I'd be able to get it.
> 
> Me: ok just come over tonight at like seven
> 
> Me: if there happens to be a three course meal and candlelight, that's just a happy accident
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: You really want this date, don't you?
> 
> Me: wont stop till i get it
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Fine. I won't wear a tie when I get there. Give me my tie back and then, I'll be dressed for the occasion.
> 
> Me: u could honestly wear sweats, i dont care.
> 
> Me: i dont think its possible for u to look bad
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: That's it, I'm wearing a tux.
> 
> Me: ctfu
> 
> Me: Dude.
> 
> Me: dude nooo dont wear a tux
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Too late. I already have it laid out on the couch.
> 
> Me: you know what, imma wear one too.
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: If we're putting this much effort into it, we should probably go somewhere nice.
> 
> Me: there's a restaurant like five miles from my place called Osaka Saga and its like super fancy want me to make a reservation
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Sure, why not.

Mon, Dec 27, 6:22pm

 

> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: Should I do my hair too?
> 
> Me: if you do your hair, i'll do mine
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: lol You don't have any hair.
> 
> Me: *GASP* OMG I HAD NO IDEA WHAT
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: lololol XD
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I can't laugh in this suit, stop it.
> 
> Me: do your hair, you lil qt
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: "QT"?
> 
> Me: "cutie"
> 
> Turnip Looking Motherfucker: I thought I looked like a turnip.
> 
> Me: a cute turnip
> 
> Cute Turnip: -///- I'll be ready in ten.
> 
>  

Mon, Dec 27, 11:41pm

 

> Cute Turnip: So, that was one hell of a goodbye.
> 
> Me: yeh it was
> 
> Cute Turnip: I hope it's not weird if I say you're a really good kisser.
> 
> Me: its not weird at all
> 
> Me: its a true fact im awesome at it
> 
> Me: kind of want to do it again
> 
> Cute Turnip: Get in here.
> 
> Me: are you serious
> 
> Cute Turnip: Dead serious. 
> 
> Cute Turnip: I need your lips. On my skin. Everywhere.
> 
> Me: yes baby. keep telling me how much you want it
> 
> Cute Turnip: But, I want to touch you now.
> 
> Me: im not a fuck-on-the-first-date kind of guy
> 
> Cute Turnip: Me neither. We don't have to have sex. Just come up here and kiss me again.
> 
> Me: i dont trust myself enough to kiss you once
> 
> Me: the way you look in that tux
> 
> Me: baby
> 
> Me: and the way you melt under me when we kiss
> 
> Me: i. want. you. bad.
> 
> Me: even though i would go up there in a heartbeat and feel you until you fall apart, im not going to do it baby i respect you
> 
> Cute Turnip: Disrespect me.
> 
> Cute Turnip: All over my couch.
> 
> Cute Turnip: Disrespect me on my living room wall.
> 
> Cute Turnip: Disrespect me on top of my kitchen counter
> 
> Cute Turnip: Disrespect me in my bed.
> 
> Me: fuck baby keep going
> 
> Cute Turnip: I need to take this tux off. It's killing me rn
> 
> Me: i am literally driving with Siri reading out loud everything youre texting me
> 
> Me: i am having the weirdest phone sex with Siri
> 
> Cute Turnip: LOL should i leave you two alone
> 
> Me: fuck no man
> 
> Me: im breaking speed limits trying to get home so i can get these fucking pants off and cum all over my hand without it being a chargeable offense
> 
> Cute Turnip: Fuck it. I'm taking off the tux.
> 
> Me: im changing your name again. thank god for red lights.
> 
> Sexy Boy: Is it something hot?
> 
> Me: oh, yeh. u were "Cute Turnip" before this, and thats no longer applicable b/c u are sooooo fucking hot. too hot to be "cute".
> 
> Sexy Boy: lol ;) How far are you from home?
> 
> Me: 2 mins
> 
> Sexy Boy: Just enough time for me to get out of these clothes...
> 
> Me: what are you wearing under it
> 
> Sexy Boy: Nothing.
> 
> Me: fuck fuck fuckkk u werent wearing any underwear all night?!??!
> 
> Sexy Boy: Nope.
> 
> Me: i want to fuck the shit out of you right now like i really do
> 
> Me: you have no idea. u sat there all night with me commando as fuck and you knew. you knew the whole time.
> 
> Me: yOU ARE SUCH A BAD BOY
> 
> Sexy Boy: You gonna spank me? I'll let you. I deserve it for being so bad.
> 
> Me: i will cum in my pants while im driving man i swear to god
> 
> Me: i am driving with one hand and palming my dick with the other
> 
> Sexy Boy: Well, if it helps, know that I'm already out of my jacket.
> 
> Sexy Boy: My tie is hanging undone.
> 
> Sexy Boy: I'm unbuttoning my shirt slowly, biting my lip.
> 
> Sexy Boy: I want to get on my knees for you. Can I suck you? Please? 
> 
> Me: dude dude fuck
> 
> Sexy Boy: Would you like that? Would you like me to run my warm, wet tongue slowly up your cock? Would you like me to tease the head with my lips? Would you like that?
> 
> Me: i cant breathe im so hard i cant breathe
> 
> Sexy Boy: I would suck you so gently. Licking, licking, sucking. So soft. So slow. Tease you to the edge.
> 
> Sexy Boy: And, then, I'd push you onto my bed.
> 
> Me: and.... 
> 
> Sexy Boy: Are you home yet? .
> 
> Me: yeh. turning Siri off. just pulled into the driveway
> 
> Sexy Boy: Just make sure you don't pull out. ;)
> 
> Me: fuck baby youve got such a fucking nasty mouth i love it
> 
> Me: never would have thought
> 
> Me: u behave so well at work
> 
> Me: such a nice boy
> 
> Me: i had no idea you could be so... sexually confident
> 
> Sexy Boy: Hey, I mean, I'm not the most secure in my appearance, but I know for a fact that I suck a mean dick.
> 
> Me: u do?
> 
> Sexy Boy: My specialty is making my partners cum in under a minute.
> 
> Me: u made me drop my keys
> 
> Sexy Boy: lol good.
> 
> Sexy Boy: Between you and me, performing oral sex.... it's my favorite, honestly. More satisfying than fucking.
> 
> Me: what? how? i mean i'll suck dick if i gotta and i'll eat a girl out for a little bit out of courtesy, but... dude. how? how do you like that more than sex
> 
> Sexy Boy: I like penetrative sex. It's fun. It's connective. Everybody's genitals are getting attention, it's great. 
> 
> Sexy Boy: But, sucking cock?
> 
> Sexy Boy: Mmm. It gets me OFF. Stretching my lips wide, taking it all in, down my throat, swallowing, getting my mouth fucked. Stuffing my face full of dick, sucking and sucking and sucking until he grabs my hair and cums in my mouth. Feels so good. SO fucking good.
> 
> Sexy Boy: But, pussy... DEREK I could lick pussy until my tongue cramps up. I fucking LOVE licking pussy. Get my face all in her, my lips all wet, rubbing my nose and tongue up her slit, mumbling French against her clit, she's moaning, she's begging, she's coming over and over. FUCK I love licking pussy.
> 
> Sexy Boy: I love making people cum. Can I make you cum?
> 
> Me: yes please man fuck
> 
> Me: im in my room
> 
> Sexy Boy: Are you laying down? You're going to want to be laying down.
> 
> Me: yeh
> 
> Sexy Boy: Good, because I've already licked your cock until it leaked precome all over my face. Now, I want more. 
> 
> Sexy Boy: Can I push you onto your bed?
> 
> Sexy Boy: Can I get rough with you, Derek?
> 
> Me: fuck baby please
> 
> Sexy Boy: I'm kicking off my pants and climbing over you, crawling up the bed.
> 
> Me: im watching you make your way over. damn youre so beautiful
> 
> Sexy Boy: I'm straddling you now, rubbing my hard cock against your crotch.
> 
> Me: im running my hands up your thighs. feel my hands on your skin baby. feel me touching you, caressing your skin.
> 
> Sexy Boy: You feel so good. Your hands are so big and warm, Derek, fuck.
> 
> Me: im taking my belt off. looking you in the eyes. unzipping my pants.
> 
> Sexy Boy: I'm taking out the plug I put in myself this afternoon.
> 
> Me: YOU DID NOT PUT A PLUG IN
> 
> Me: WAS IT IN DURING DINNER
> 
> Sexy Boy: Yeah.
> 
> Sexy Boy: But let me explain.
> 
> Sexy Boy: Okay, so I'm really kinky......
> 
> Me: HOLY SHIT MAN YOU ARE INSANE I LOVE IT
> 
> Me: we'll talk about this later because i have the biggest hard on right now
> 
> Me: youre taking your fucking plug out
> 
> Me: and youre open and wet for me already
> 
> Sexy Boy: So ready. Fuck me, please fuck me.
> 
> Sexy Boy: I'm so empty, Derek, fill me up.
> 
> Sexy Boy: I need your dick. I need it now.
> 
> Me: u feel so good inside
> 
> Sexy Boy: Yes. Yes. I'm riding you.
> 
> Me: baby fuck me please
> 
> Sexy Boy: I've got a toy with me
> 
> Sexy Boy: Can I use it?
> 
> Me: how big is it
> 
> Sexy Boy: 5 inches.
> 
> Me: please
> 
> Me: are u putting it in you
> 
> Me: fuck youre putting it in
> 
> Me: how does it feel
> 
> Sexy Boy: Oh, my God, fuck.
> 
> Me: are you full
> 
> Sexy Boy: I'm gonna cum.
> 
> Me: yeah
> 
> Me: you gonna cum for me
> 
> Sexy Boy: I will. For you. All for you
> 
> Sexy Boy: Fuck me first
> 
> Sexy Boy: Give it to me, Derek
> 
> Sexy Boy: Fuck me
> 
> Me: im fucking you so hard
> 
> Sexy Boy: I want it, I want it, I want it
> 
> Me: your taking my dick so good baby
> 
> Me: ur taking it so good
> 
> Me: good job baby
> 
> Sexy Boy: Fuck, I'm gonna cum so hard
> 
> Sexy Boy: Fuck, I want to cum
> 
> Sexy Boy: I want to cum
> 
> Sexy Boy: fuck me fuck nme dEREK fuck me drive me crazy
> 
> Me: can i let go in you baby can i fill you up
> 
> Sexy Boy: yes please cum in me
> 
> Sexy Boy: I want it i want all of your cum
> 
> Me: im gonna let off in you baby im about to bust a nut in you
> 
> Me: pretty boy youre so fucking tight so tight
> 
> Sexy Boy: RIGHT THERE RIGHT THERE YES im so close
> 
> Me: fuck i want to fuck you so bad i want to be in you nOW
> 
> Me: right on the edge
> 
> Me: fuck
> 
> Me: youre so fucking hot
> 
> Sexy Boy: FUCK YOURE making me cum youre making me come youre makingmec
> 
> Me: are you cumming
> 
> Sexy Boy: w
> 
> Sexy Boy: WW
> 
> Me: youre cumming arent you fuck
> 
> Sexy Boy: YES
> 
> Me: oh my fuck youre so hot
> 
> Me: inside you inside you spencer watching you cum on my dick ride it ride it
> 
> Me: ride it baby
> 
> Sexy Boy: derek, i made a mess
> 
> Me: i made you cum?
> 
> Sexy Boy: all over my sheets
> 
> Me: fffffff

Tues, Dec 28, 12:04am

 

> Sexy Boy: Wow.
> 
> Me: shit
> 
> Sexy Boy: Huh.
> 
> Me: i know rite
> 
> Sexy Boy: I've never sexted before, was that okay?
> 
> Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
> 
> Sexy Boy: No.
> 
> Me: A+ 
> 
> Me: you killed it great job
> 
> Sexy Boy: Good.
> 
> Sexy Boy: ...
> 
> Sexy Boy: Well, see you tomorrow, bye.
> 
> Me: c u later kid

 

Tues, Dec 28 6:32am

 

 

> Me: good morning
> 
> Sexy Boy: Hey, good morning.
> 
> Me: i slept so good last night
> 
> Sexy Boy: Same. We're going to have to do that again. Soon.
> 
> Me: wanna do it now
> 
> Sexy Boy: You woke up hard, didn't you?
> 
> Me: yep
> 
> Sexy Boy: I guess I can get it up for you
> 
> Me: yayy
> 
> Sexy Boy: lol I'm gonna need a little help from the audience
> 
> Me: Oh, yeah sorry.
> 
> Me: so i call you into my office, right? youve been bad very bad
> 
> Me: you bad boy
> 
> Me: and spank you and stuff
> 
> Me: yes
> 
> Me: Are you hard yet?
> 
> Sexy Boy: I AM LAUGHING SO LOUD RIGHT NOW
> 
> Sexy Boy: No, I'm not hard! 
> 
> Sexy Boy: rotfl wHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE
> 
> Sexy Boy: lolololol
> 
> Me: no need to be rude
> 
> Sexy Boy: "and spank you and stuff"
> 
> Sexy Boy: I can't breathe
> 
> Sexy Boy: That was funny. Wow. I needed that.
> 
> Sexy Boy: Alright, I'll see you at work, man.
> 
> Me: but wait what about sexting
> 
> Sexy Boy: You were serious?
> 
> Me: yeh
> 
> Sexy Boy: Okay, Derek. How about later? I'll lead it.
> 
> Me: okay...
> 
> Sexy Boy: I gotta hop in the shower. Byee
> 
> Me: :( bye
> 
> Me: if anything comes up in there, think of me, okay?
> 
> Sexy Boy: I promise, I will. lol
> 
> Sexy Boy: lol omg "and spank you and stuff"
> 
> Sexy Boy: haha dude that was awesome
> 
> Me: i fucking hate you
> 
>  

Wed, Dec 29, 8:07am

 

 

> Cute Turnip: JJ says hurry up
> 
> Me: tell her to shut it 
> 
> Me: im omw
> 
> Cute Turnip: "OMW"?
> 
> Me: "On My Way"
> 
> Cute Turnip: Oh, okay.
> 
> Cute Turnip: JJ just called you a bad word

 

Wed, Dec 29, 2:12pm

 

> Me: toasted bun, no mayo, no onion?
> 
> Cute Turnip: Perfect!
> 
> Me: awesome ttyl
> 
>  

Wed, Dec 29, 9:44pm

  

 

> Cute Turnip: Are you alone?
> 
> Me: nah at penny's place
> 
> Cute Turnip: Too bad.
> 
> Cute Turnip: Because I'm spread out on my bed completely naked with my fingers buried inside of me.
> 
> Cute Turnip: But, that's okay. I'll just stop masturbating, get in my biggest, baggiest PJs and reread the Encyclopedia of Aerian Species again.
> 
> Me: waIT WAIT NO IM GOING TO THE BATHROOM KEEP FINGERING YOURSELF
> 
> Me: HOLD ON
> 
> Me: KEEP THOSE HANDS WORKING
> 
> Cute Turnip: You sure? Or, I could just take a picture and send it to you.
> 
> Me: DO both
> 
> Cute Turnip: Pick one. 
> 
> Cute Turnip: Either sext me in the bathroom right now, or get four quality pictures at any time tonight (I pick the time)
> 
> Me: fuck
> 
> Me: thats a really hard decision
> 
> Cute Turnip: Speaking of hard...
> 
> Me: youre making it worse
> 
> Cute Turnip: You have fifteen seconds, or I choose for you.
> 
> Me: DAMMIT FUCK
> 
> Cute Turnip: Ten seconds
> 
> Me: Wait, wait, idk yet
> 
> Cute Turnip: Five seconds
> 
> Me: PICTURES I CHOOSE PICTURES
> 
> Cute Turnip: Wonderful choice. You will receive them within the hour.
> 
> Me: but when?
> 
> Cute Turnip: Whenever I want. I kind of want them spread out.
> 
> Me: well, i can't stay in the bathroom for an hour, and we just started Top Gun, i can't go home now.
> 
> Cute Turnip: Should have thought of that before.
> 
> Me: fuck
> 
> Cute Turnip: TTFN
> 
> Me: fuckkk
> 
> Me: these better be some damn good photos

Thurs, Dec 30, 10:03pm

 

 

> Me: those were some damn good photos. what do you use, a selfie stick?
> 
> Cute Turnip: No, my arms are just disproportionately long.
> 
> Me: penny saw the artistic one
> 
> Cute Turnip: They're all artistic
> 
> Me: the one where your booty is like half in shade and half in light
> 
> Cute Turnip: Oh, the classy one.
> 
> Me: lol yeah that one
> 
> Cute Turnip: If you're going to take nudes, they'd better be tasteful. You know?
> 
> Me: she asked who it was
> 
> Cute Turnip: YOU DIDNT TELL HER DID YOU
> 
> Me: no.
> 
> Me: and youre saved in my phone under "turnip" again, so im sure she doesn't know who it is
> 
> Me: but she did say that she thought the beauty mark on your left cheek "added character"
> 
> Cute Turnip: It's a freckle. What's she talking about?
> 
> Me: idk but she wanted to see the rest
> 
> Cute Turnip: YOU DIDNT SHOW HER THOUGH RIGHT
> 
> Me: no way. i want to be the only man lucky enough to see shot #2
> 
> Cute Turnip: You mean, the one with the dildo in my mouth?
> 
> Me: yeh, thats a prize shot. good job on that one.
> 
> Me: your lips..... 
> 
> Me: do you know what DSL means
> 
> Cute Turnip: No.
> 
> Me: google it and get back to me
> 
> Cute Turnip: Okay. Googling on my phone.
> 
> Cute Turnip: Loading.
> 
> Cute Turnip: Oh. Well. Huh. Is that what you think i have?
> 
> Me: i dont think, i know
> 
> Cute Turnip: Well, you have them too.
> 
> Me: nah
> 
> Cute Turnip: Ya
> 
> Me: NAH
> 
> Cute Turnip: Ya. They're all plump and soft. They're nice. I would trust them with my dick.
> 
> Me: hahahaha u would? good
> 
> Me: imma say these pictures surprised me a lot
> 
> Me: didnt know you were a nude taking kinda guy
> 
> Cute Turnip: What can I say? You bring it out of me.
> 
> Me: have you've done this before?
> 
> Cute Turnip: Yeah, a lot. But I don't send them anywhere.
> 
> Me: ever heard of tumblr? i think they'd enjoy you
> 
> Cute Turnip: IM NOT PUTTING NAKED PICTURES OF MYSELF ON THE INTERNET
> 
> Me: well cant say i never tried
> 
> Cute Turnip: So... do you have any?
> 
> Me: i am sitting here with my best friend watching 30 Rock reruns. i am not going through my phone in front of her to look for nudes to send a guy that ive been casually sexting for a week.
> 
> Cute Turnip: That's cool. You win some, you lose some.
> 
> Cute Turnip: As long as I know you'll be thinking of me because I gave you free porn, I'm fine.
> 
> Me: lol
> 
> Me: im going to the bathroom now. i'll try to find a classy one.
> 
> Cute Turnip: Oh, boy! :)
> 
> Me: theres nothing in here but selfies, stuff for work, and the occasional meme.
> 
> Me: oh! found one.
> 
> Me: [image]
> 
> Cute Turnip: OMG
> 
> Cute Turnip: Those are your business slacks. Your cock is hanging out of your business slacks.
> 
> Me: yeah i know i took it
> 
> Cute Turnip: Is that --  omfg that's your deskk yOU TOOK THIS AT WORK
> 
> Me: DURING work
> 
> Cute Turnip: Weh when was this
> 
> Me: some time last month
> 
> Cute Turnip: Why 
> 
> Me: my bulge game was hella strong that day
> 
> Me: just got a new pair of boxer briefs, so i was feeling sexy
> 
> Me: i kind of had to
> 
> Cute Turnip: You couldn't go to the bathroom?
> 
> Me: no it was too far
> 
> Me: look if youre going to start critiquing my nudes...
> 
> Cute Turnip: No! No, not at all! It's wonderful
> 
> Cute Turnip: I'm just saying
> 
> Cute Turnip: Exhibitionist much
> 
> Me: says the guy who nailed a dude in a public park
> 
> Cute Turnip: I WAS BEHIND A BUSH
> 
> Me: I WAS UNDER MY DESK
> 
> Cute Turnip: This is objectively an incredible shot, honestly. I mean, the use of negative space alone
> 
> Me: please dont start thinking critically about a dick pic, reid, please
> 
> Cute Turnip: I can't help myself. I'm conditioned.
> 
> Me: well while you contemplate the contrapasso and evolution of the human condition, im going to go back into the living room with Pen and finish watching Liz Lemon eat a bagel
> 
> Cute Turnip: Ok cool. See you at Rossi's dinner tomorrow
> 
> Me: .......rossi's dinner
> 
> Cute Turnip: Don't tell me you forgot/
> 
> Me: i forgot
> 
> Cute Turnip: New Year's Eve dinner? He planned this for weeks. The whole team is invited, including Jordan, Seaver, Blake, and Kate. Emily is flying in from Europe.
> 
> Me: i totally forgot
> 
> Cute Turnip: Lucky you have me, then
> 
> Me: hella lucky.
> 
> Me: you wouldn't happen to know what time and where, would you?
> 
> Cute Turnip: *sigh*
> 
> Cute Turnip: 10:30pm at his mansion. Bring Bordeaux.
> 
> Me: got it! thanks babe love you
> 
> Cute Turnip: Love you too. ttyl 

 

Fri, Dec 31, 10:59pm

 

> Me: Dave says your plate is getting cold
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: 5 minutes
> 
> Me: okay honey
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: I don't like "honey"
> 
> Me: sweetheart?
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: No.
> 
> Me: darling?
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: No.
> 
> Me: angel?
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Flattering, but no.
> 
> Me: cockslut?
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: XP please stop
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: the cab guy is driving like 2 miles an hour, it's not my fault I'm late. I should be there in 5.
> 
> Me: yeah well i miss u so
> 
> Me: hurry it up
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: I miss you too. 
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: When I get there, say you're going to help me with my coat.
> 
> Me: why
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Because you're going to take me to the coat closet and we're going to make out like we do in the men's room before lunch, except this'll be sexier because we're at Dave's fancy rich guy house.
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Unless you want out entire team staring at us while we do that, because it can be arranged
> 
> Me: youre insane i love you
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: I know.
> 
>  

Sun, Jan 1, 12:01am

 

> Me: happy new year dummy
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Happy New Year, Ugly
> 
> Me: so i got a question
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Yes, my love?
> 
> Me: will u be my boyfriend?
> 
> Me: lol you dropped your phone
> 
> Me: you picked it up
> 
> Me: youre giving me this scary eye contact what does that mean
> 
> The Most Beautiful Man I've Ever Laid Eyes On: Yes! Yes, of course. Don't be stupid.
> 
> Me: AWESOME :)
> 
> Boyfriend: Go to the coat closet.
> 
> Me: you dont mean...
> 
> Boyfriend: Whatever you're thinking, yes.
> 
> Me: WOOOOOO!!!

 


End file.
